It is so exciting, the adrenaline pumping through the body giving you another high, that ‘Emotional infidelity’ seems worth the unstated risk you may be taking.
It has been always the space for brave hearts. Not something that a balanced simpleton can manage. Off course, it is so much fun trying to dodge the known, sneaking around, living in the truth of false security and creating that lovely award worthy parallel stories with rich ingredient of beautiful lies, not to forget the trick of learning the non-existent threads.
Once you are into it, post rationalisation is no longer tough. You smartly lie to yourself at every stage. So much that you start believing it. You base your deviant behaviour ( as per other non- understanding morons) on the imaginary non-working relationship with spouse. How can you be blamed for it? I understand. We understand. The best part of it is that you are alive and conscious of the potential results, and you understand it.
So, how many years back did you get married? Did you at that stage not promise to love each other until eternity? Until death. You visualised and saw the beautiful future unfolding in the warm love of togetherness. Dedicated, uncorrupted, passionate, you wanted to work together for the children’s future. The relationship was grand. That was the way life was supposed to be. Blissfully warm until you slipped. Oh! No, you do not see it like that. Until something happened that was not in your control. Accidental, I understand.
What went wrong? Can you rewind life and reach for that exact moment when you decided to ignore the promises made and the future that was yours to claim? Why and when did you start thinking in terms of I and not we and us? When did ‘what you wanted’ became the most important thing in your life?
Oh, I know; suddenly, there was another soul in your space, and your spouse and children changed from premier life assests to liabilities. You no longer find it interesting to think of their future; it has partially stopped mattering, what will happen to them? You are flowing with the dynamism that has just rejuvenated your life with new highs of the virtual game of ‘emotional infidelity’. You are impervious to the stage, when life catches with all the beautiful lies.
Admittedly, there is that sudden high with anything dangerous. How can emotional infidelity be any different? Life has been about adapting, and here you are able to provide a new definition. No longer, the boundaries concern you. The focus has shifted without your knowledge.
Emotional Infidelity is addictive and by the time you realise it, the trap is set.
You created stories in your mind. Then slowly you gained expertise and now; they come naturally out of your poker face. You believe you were getting away from it. You feel proud n the newly acquired expertise.
In truth, it is more likely that your changed behaviour has already been noticed, and it could be just you fooling yourself. There is a delayed guilt associated with such act, which most probably without your realising it has made you irritable and distant in the demonstration of love and care.
Nothing is same. Everything is coloured with a completely alien brush and hue.
Everything, after all is the fault of your spouse. The new love of your life does nothing wrong. Your views and your lookout are all biased and coloured. The canvas maybe the same but the signature has changed.
There is no doubt at some stage the pain will peak when the reality bites. You will suddenly be marooned with the situation you did not want. It is that turn you wished you never had to take. The trust will be dead, and it will be all over. It will hurt more than anything you have ever experienced.
Is the painful expression and many unstated questions shadowing the faces you once loved acceptable to you? Are you ready for this eventuality? If not, then it may be the moment when you should seriously reconsider, take the call and stop what you may be doing or take it to its culmination.
I am no one to ask you to act against your beliefs.
It’s your life, spouse, children and parents.
Nevertheless, I know you are far more sensible than what your actions suggest.
Are you seriously ready for the ultimate end, breach of trust and logically separation or a divorce?
Is it ok for you to see your children needing to choose between parents?
What are these relationships worth to you?
Are you loved ones just for the weekend visit or a movie next week?
You can’t abscond from the responsibility of destroying lives in and around yourself?
Maybe, you are that brave heart, and you can bear the pain for the clandestine love you have tasted.
Perhaps, it is right for you is to go ahead with the affair brewing on the side waiting to blow with every passing moment. Hopefully, you are ready for the consequences.
You think that being selfish is ok. You think that you do not think about them.
MAYBE IT IS OK TO CAUSE EVERYONE, INCLUDING YOURSELF LOTS OF PAIN.
YES, I know you are waiting for the right moment. The moment when your spouse is least ready for it? The moment you believe will minimise unintended damage. You know; you are lying to yourself.
Are you seriously so confident of your life and your new-found life? Are you willing to break the bonds holding you back?
If the answer is yes, then stop waiting, Do it right now?
Don’t you think that lying to two most important person in your life is completely unacceptable?
Meanwhile, here is a small question, how much confident are you of the new love in your life?
What will happen to you if you were to find out that for the new-found love, you were a mere digression to rejuvenate life? No, that must not be happening to you. Have I touched the possible potential nightmare for you, something you never considered?
Trust me, ‘Emotional infidelity’ I far more dangerous than ‘Physical infidelity’
Irrespective of whatever is the reality, if there is a situation building up, then act now.
Nevertheless, before you act, ask yourself, is the adrenaline rush worth the pain.
The above is not a page from a diary or a note to self.